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IOM Blog

December 7, 2015

Words to Avoid that Escalate Conflict

“You never listen to me anyhow.” A friend recently recounted a story to me where a relative said this to her. As she told the story, it was clear how that one phrase instantly turned a fairly calm conversation into an all-out argument. We’ve all had something similar happen. Whether it’s in the workplace or at home, a few words can escalate a conversation quickly. I’m sure many of us have attended trainings or read about the words you should avoid saying during conflict. To refresh your memory, here’s a quick listing of words that can escalate a conflict, whether you mean to or not.

  • Words like “but,” “no,” “can’t,” or “won’t” all make the other person feel rejected, dismissed, and helpless.
  • Using the word “you” in an accusatory way immediately puts the other person on the defensive.
  • Saying words like “should,” “shouldn’t,” “don’t,” or “better not” makes the other person feel inferior and resentful of your authoritative statements.
  • The words “always” and “never” are generalizing words that are heard by the other person as harsh absolutes.

Since there are a lot of words on this list, it may be helpful to focus on eliminating one of these phrases from your vocabulary during potentially tense conversations.

 

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Carly Turk
Senior Coordinator, Institute for Organization Management
U.S. Chamber of Commerce Foundation

Carly Turk is senior coordinator for Institute for Organization Management, a four-year educational program on nonprofit management of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce Foundation. Carly received her BBA in Business Management with a minor in Political Science from James Madison University. Carly previously served as a field representative, staff assistant, and legislative correspondent in the office of U.S. Congressman Mike Kelly (PA-03).

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